Gebara Chapter 2 – Evil and Gender – thought #3
“…North American feminists want to use sexuality in the same way that Marxists use the notion of work. Workers experience estrangement from their work through the exploitation of their work by their bosses or the dominant class. Similarly, women experience estrangement from their sexuality through the exploitation of their sexuality and theft of their autonomy by male domination.” (pg 69)
Yeah. “Theft of their autonomy”. I like that phrase. I also know that no one can take my power unless I relinquish it first. So how is it “theft” … hmmm.
Well … speaking from experience, no matter how closely I hold my power, if my entire life is lived within a context where my power is not acknowledged and where, when insisting that I retain my power, I just don’t fit in it gets pretty darn tempting to just let a little bit of it go … and then, maybe just a little bit more … and the slow ooze goes on until one day there’s just nothing left. I did that once. And the day I woke up realizing that I had let all of my power slowly leak away was a rude awakening indeed.
It was a lot harder to take it back than it had been to give it up. I found that fighting for it rarely left me victorious, but that by changing the rules a lot was accomplished.
I essentially just turned the table on the game and changed *my* reality to be one that did not acknowledged the mere possibility that I was impotent. It worked. Well, I should say, it is working… the more I reclaim the more aware I become of other places I have left it lying around awaiting retrieval. Currently, I’m obsessed not with how much of my power men hold, but with how much of it Money (and its legion of demi-demons) holds. I’m feeling very impotent in today’s Commercial Corporatocracy. ANYWAY – I digress.
I find the word “estrangement” thought provoking. If a woman becomes estranged from her sexuality, that means that she no longer connects to it. Does that mean she also denies it?
Let’s consider what not being connected to /denying one’s sexuality (not gender, not sex) might look like: Overweight? Frigid? Unconscious yet Superficially Successful Attempts to be Not-Beautiful? Destructive instead of Creative? Feeling Unlovable and/or Undesirable? Feeling Exploited? Feeling Dis-Connected from Humanity? Resentment of one’s situation? Yeah – that’s how it was for me in my marriage. Perhaps I divulge too much of myself ... (Note: I was not married to a “bad” man … he’s actually a darling … I just gave too much of my power away, and once I re-claimed it, the dynamic of our relationship didn’t adjust to fit the new circumstances.)
Exploitation. Someone using my sexuality to achieve their ends: to sell things, to show status, to engender ideas, to display virility by parading me around as a possession/conquest... Yeah … it’s a tragic fact … that has happened and continues to happen on a grossly exaggerated scale to women-at-large.
I suppose the “Evil” that plays out here is that somehow, women have bought into the fact that that’s what their sexuality is FOR. And that SEXUALITY is the only thing that defines them as a woman. While there are definitely women who have not bought in to that nightmare, fake boobs, provocative clothing, meticulously painted faces and emaciated bodies attest to the fact that many, many, many women have. Hook, line and sinker.
… and there are still those who wonder what on Earth feminists could be concerned about … go figure.
I had the pleasure of sitting in on a lecture with Shulamith Koenig (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shulamith-koenig) a few weeks ago. She said something interesting to this effect:
ReplyDelete"We women exchange our equality for survival."
As I see it relating to this post, my interpretation of what Shula was saying is that sexuality is not something to be *enjoyed* by women, but it's the CURRENCY of women. We exchange our sexuality in return for other things - things we need to survive: i.e. love, companionship, acceptance, etc.
I hate it. I hate that the only thing I have to offer in exchange for what I need is sexuality - being pretty, perfect and coy. I think women have other things to offer, but sexuality trumps all. You can be a f*cking idiot, and if you're hot enough you'll get by much better than the intelligent and contributing woman in the same circumstances.
A lot of this, I think, goes back to the question of human ecology, if we are looked at as animals. Animals have preferences in their mates, that are intrinsically built into their psyches to increase the odds of their progeny surviving. Except for humans in rich countries, the physical nature of your mate has little to do with the survival of offspring, because our medicine is so advanced. I think because of this our focus has moved to really inane aspects of what we require in mates (i.e. who looks cool and knows all of the hip news ways to dress and music to listen to, etc. Ick.)
But all of this being said, to evolve beyond this is, in my estimation, a real evolution of the species. To change how we see women and treat them (not only as the bearers of children and caretakers, but as equals and friends and partners) requires not just a change in attitude, but to a certain extent a change in brain chemistry ... even for us women.
I, personally, struggle not only with my environment, but with my own internal instinct to want to sit back into my natural "role" as woman, as hardwired into my brain (I'm sure in part by nature and in part by my upbringing). The battle makes me tired.
So... I don't know if I should weigh in on this one or not. Please feel free to delete this comment if you wish.
ReplyDeleteI struggle a lot with this. I do not want my wife to think that's what I married her for. It isn't. I want her because she is what I need - like oxygen or water, or more actually, like sunshine and warmth. I have told her that our intimacy is the dessert in our relationship - sweet and tasty and desirable, but not necessarily sustaining. Perhaps a bit trite, but I think you'll understand what I mean.
For me, sex is not merely a physical thing. It's a deeply personal, emotional, intellectual, and even (perhaps most importantly) spiritual. It is an act of service that only I can do for her and she for me. Ever. It is the purest and most sublime expression of love and respect and oneness I know of. And as a result of that, if she's not interested I don't want it. Really. I know that I am in a very, very small minority when I say that, but it's true.
I also struggle with how my daughter will adjust in this world. I desperately want her to feel confident about herself, but in my desperation, am I reinforcing the very ideas I'm trying to downplay? I want her to feel pretty and cool and smart and talented (not necessarily in that order). I want her to feel that her dad loves her no matter what. And I know that I am only once voice, a voice that will probably diminish in relevance as she gets older. I'm OK with that, provided that in the short time I've got her attention she knows (!) that her dad loves her and is proud of her. Because I do and I am.
I wonder if people (like the author you cite) filter things through their own experience and look for ways to validate that. I'm not trying to invalidate her experience - quite the contrary. But because we all grow up in different circumstances, we all have unique identities and needs, I wonder how much we can really perceive other's motivations. I am caused to feel a certain way when experience X happens. Is that the same feeling you experience? Possibly. But maybe not...
I am discouraged by the idea that women feel unequal. I have never felt that way about the women I've known. In fact, I've always been somewhat in awe of the women I've known (present company included!) because of their strength and resilience.
PS - I'm not looking for affirmation. I appreciate the opportunity to share my thoughts. I hope I've been cogent... :)
Malted Mathematician of Money: Extremely insightful. Have shared/referenced your comments in *several* discussions over the last coupla weeks.
ReplyDeleteBiBoBaBoBa3: Lovely thoughts, as always. Your wife and children are blessed and lucky!! And, while your actions and views may be of the minority at present ... I think not for long -- I hold a lot of faith for Humanity!
I used to "play up" my sexuality/sensuality unabashedly. I got discounts on movie tickets, free drinks, "warnings" instead of tickets from police officers, promotions at work, and even easier grades in school. Note: I did not actually have ANY physical contact with anyone in order to get this stuff ... I just "strutted my stuff" and "said the right things" with the "right looks". AND ... every boss I ever had tried to get me into bed, many of my male professors looked at me lasciviously, I received incessant "hey baby" comments wherever I went ... and I HATED IT. I felt completely objectivized, sexualized, worthless and phony. - And I blamed society.
Initially, I mostly felt anger at the world for being set up such that I had to endure such treatment. And I especially hated other women who "did it better", and who defended it as "the best way to have the upper hand".
Then I stopped hating and paid attention to my own behavior, motives, results and feelings. And I decided to just be authentic instead of "feminine" (as I had mis-perceived "femininty"). I also decided to stop FIGHTING for power.
Years later, I am still more powerful than I have ever been. Not only that, I still have an awesome body, an engaging laugh, can stop crowds with my smile and know "just the thing to say" to empower a man in his manliness. But those things no longer *define* me, and I no longer classify them as "tools in my toolbox" - they're simply the "bonus pack 'o 'de Liberator".
And it's cool.
I'm curious of other women's and men's experiences of this ....